Back To School: Lights and Shadows

By Paul Ashton, Psy.D., D.Min
Consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs

 

"Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. Life is composed of lights and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from reality. The important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil." 
Walt Disney Company

It is that time of year again when the return to school signals the start of another season filled with new adventure, learning and exploration. While most of us think more about academics than anything else at this time, school is about a whole culture of attitudes, beliefs and social interactions on many levels. More and more and from an earlier age than ever, children spend much time in school, and what they see, hear, and experience reaches far beyond the ole' reading, writing and arithmetic of days gone by. Parents are busy, students and teachers are busy and all of us fight to make time for what is important. 

The kids will soon fall into a regular routine and back to a "normal" schedule. Now is a great time for you to plan a series of "talks" to have with your children. These talks can be short, sound-bite types of conversations that empower your children in ways that offer them protection, knowledge and power when you are not with them. 

Small, conversations are what kids are used to. They are confused by longer ones, and parents and children alike feel better not prolonging difficult conversations that make them uncomfortable. It is always important to be aware that parents are in charge, should take charge and act in charge. They should lead, challenge and stick to the topic, making sure that their children are paying attention and involved in the conversation. At the same time, parents need to offer respect for what their children know, asking open-ended questions that lead to deeper discussions all while being open to learning things from them just as they learn from you. Make comments like "I didn't know that!" Or "Thanks for teaching me something." And "Help me to understand what you mean, please show me or give me an example." These are ways to keep children involved and interested.

The VIRTUS Programs promote three important keys to communicating with your children: Talk, Listen and Observe. These three tools comprise the equation for effective parenting. In your conversations, it will be most effective if you follow the equation carefully. The three components should be part of every encounter you have with your children. They are constantly learning and growing and filled with the excitement of the new things they encounter each day. When you share in that excitement, you immediately become part of their world. Sharing the newness of things, being involved in what they are learning in school, and in the wonder of it all you become closer, more aware and part of their journey. 

Part of your role as parent goes beyond sharing the joys and wonders. It is important that you teach your children that world is not only filled with goodness, but bad things and people who would hurt them as well. In these lessons, it is always good to start out by saying that God creates people who are all born good, but some chose evil ways for reasons that we sometimes never know or can figure out. We must be careful of those people and situations where people sometimes act in good ways, but their intentions are not good and they ultimately hurt us. These are tough lessons and it is a delicate undertaking, but being clear, direct and forthright is the best approach. 

Here are some helpful tidbits:

  • Talk to your children about the good and the bad in their worlds. Use simple, direct language and repeat information for their comprehension. Use phrases such as: "Mommy and Daddy love you very much and want you to be safe, and here is what we think you need to know." And "Remember when we went over our safety rules? Here is another reminder …" Use current events from the news to highlight the goodness of others and the darkness in society. Be the one who initiates important conversations. Have fun; use humor. Incorporate lots of love, care and understanding, but be firm in explaining family rules. If you do not have rules, create them together. Teenagers are not exempt. They need reminding and these types of conversations more than they let you think. 
     
  • Listen to what your children say, and what they do not say. Read in between the lines and use your own intuition to determine how they are coping with the stresses in their own life. Listen as they tell you the stories of their day and what interests them. When they make mistakes, point them out constructively. Let them know what losing means, how to be a good sport and how to win with dignity and joy. Reward good behavior; provide consequences for bad choices. Listen to how they feel when they are down. Lead them from the shadows into the light. Listen to what they are saying in between their words. Try not to finish their thoughts and sentences. Teach them good communication by being a good communicator.
     
  • Observe kids in your care. Notice their moods, likes, dislikes and how they react. You are the chief witness in their lives; be a great one. Encourage them. Be their loudest and most ebullient supporter and their biggest cheerleader at every turn. With your support, they can do anything-and they should feel that they have you in their corner at all times. Celebrate their wins, discuss their losses and reward them when they try hard. Ice cream is not only for the winners. Humor gets us through difficult times-teach them that. Observe when they are down, and probe in quiet, observing ways what the root of the problem is. Give them their space. Allow them to dream, to exaggerate and to create. Join in the fun and try some magical thinking of your own. Lie on the grass together and look up at the blue sky and the fall leaves. Ask them what they see, what they smell, and if they like autumn and why or why not (remember, there are no wrong answers!). Teach them to observe on their own by watching nature-a spider weaving a web, a squirrel scampering around,  birds flying south, etc.. "People watch" at the mall. Notice their eyes-what are they looking at? What do they see?

May you be blessed this fall with time to enjoy each other, to learn from each other, and play in the leaves. May you have wonderful opportunities to teach that light overpowers all shadows, all the time, always. 
 

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