Why are we surprised?
By Donna Albertone, M.P.A.
Consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs
Last year, I wrote about our then 13 year old daughter who was the victim of relational bullying in the form of criticism, fabricated allegations, rumors, and social exclusion. She was the recipient of unwarranted, persistent, and unwelcome behavior that negatively affected her relationships, self-esteem, and ability to succeed.
Hey, wait a minute! Now that I think about it, “unwelcome behavior that negatively affects self-esteem and ability to succeed” seems to define this season’s reality and talent audition television shows where adults are encouraged to laugh at and make fun of contestants who look different or, in their opinion, acted odd. Well, yes those contestants act odd—they want to be on TV! But what message is sent to the ja-zillion youth watching? See someone different, go ahead, and laugh openly at them.
Why are we surprised, then, when our children and youth ostracize, act mean-spirited, exclude, badger, smear, laugh at, and condemn, others? Why are we surprised when children and youth zero-in on another’s vulnerability and weakness, exposing it only for their perceived advantage—without regard to the hurt, pain, or consequence of so doing? Focusing upon another’s weakness and exposing it only to gain advantage is also apparently the job description of a political campaign manager and from now until November it will only get worse—sending yet another message to our youth, rudeness is okay and self-control is something you can pick and choose.
Bullying: adults do it openly and without apology, and until adults clean up their act, there is little hope that our children will.
Now this is just my opinion, but to me, and only in the world according to me (which can be a very strange place indeed) civility is dying among adults, and as a result, among our children too.
In their article, Civility, by Julie Nader and Miriam Schulman, they cite George Washington, who, at the age of 14, copied 110 "Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation" [1] from an English translation of a French book of manners. These rules are relevant to the conduct of all, including public officials, today as they were when they were first written, they include:
Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present. In language my kids will understand: It’s not okay to openly laugh at people—ever.
Sleep not when others speak, sit not when others stand; speak not when you should hold your peace. Translated, again, for children: The common good is more important than your personal needs, irritations, or rivalries.
Shake not the head, feet, or legs; roll not the eyes; lift not one eyebrow higher than the other; wry not the mouth; and bedew no man's face with your spittle by approaching too near him when you speak. (And here I thought these antics were ingrained during the 13th thru 17th years of life.) Oh, yes, let me translate: Rolling your eyes is disrespectful and darn it, anyway, control your temper and displeasure, and your spit remains in the mouth.
Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another though he is your enemy. If another’s problems and failures make you gleeful, then I have failed you as your parent.
In short, civility is based on the golden rule that we should treat others as we wish to be treated.
But you know this. We all know this, but so often our knowledge fails to turn to action. Knowing isn’t enough, behavior is the true test of real knowledge. Most rude, bullying behavior seems to indicate we are truly unknowledgeable.
Outward or subtle bullying by adults does affect our children. Don’t we know that everything affects our children? Our role as caring adults is to model good behavior, correct the negative messages, and redirect our youth to live within the boundaries of the Golden Rule. In my world, it’s imperative we restore civility because, until adults stop bullying, there is little hope for our youth to stop either.
[1] Nader, J., Schulman, M. (2006). Civility. Retrieved March, 17, 2008 from www.scu.edu/ethics/practicing/focusareas/government_ethics/introduction/civility.html.
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