An Adult Who Doesn’t Think the Rules Apply to Him or Her

By Sharon Womack Doty, J.D., M.H.R.
Consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs

In the previous three articles identifying warning signs of potential sexual abuse, we discussed the cavalier behaviors that sometimes identify an abuser. For example, when someone goes overboard touching other people’s children, or gives gifts without permission, he or she is overstepping his or her bounds. They are disregarding the rights and opinions of parents, children, and others. In addition, adults who prefer the company of children instead of other adults are operating outside of the social norm. These are just some of the rules and norms that child molesters ignore—and there are many others.

The mission of creating safe environments for children includes creating codes of conduct and standards of behavior that govern the relationships between clergy, staff, volunteers and the children and youth they serve. Historically, the Church has not established written guidelines and standards. Anyone who expressed an interest in children and youth ministry was welcomed with open arms.

Establishing written codes of conduct for children and youth ministers is a critical step toward preventing abuse. By establishing relationship boundaries between adults and the children and youth they serve, all adults will know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

Rules for adults should include such things as:

• Adults should avoid situations where they are alone with children and/or youth at church activities.
• Physical contact with youth can be misconstrued and should occur (a) only when completely nonsexual and otherwise appropriate, and (b) never in private.
• Adult staff and volunteers should not provide shared, private, overnight accommodation for individual young people when there is no other adult supervision present.

Adults should use a team approach to managing emergency situations. Adults should not:

• Smoke or use tobacco products in the presence of children and/or youth.
• Use, possess, or be under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs at any time while participating in activities with children and youth.
• Counsel children or youth in private living quarters or secluded areas.
• Take children home from activities or events unless other adult supervision is also present at all times.

Initially, some volunteers and staff may find the new rules overly burdensome, or downright offensive. They may see the imposition of these new guidelines as restrictions on their ability to make a difference with children. However, once they understand that these guidelines are necessary to keep children safe, they will adjust their behavior.

Adults should take notice of anyone who consistently or repeatedly violates the rules—even if they always “have good reasons” for their actions. When someone violates the rules or steps over boundaries again and again, there is cause for concern. Pay attention to all adults who interact with children, and report all policy and rule violations to the appropriate supervisory personnel. Put the person on notice that their behavior is raising concerns.

When you report concerns, bad judgment is corrected, policies are reinforced and, it’s just possible that through your diligence, a potential child molester is stopped before a child is harmed.

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